I cant help it I'm so fucking compulsive
 
I disappoint people; I know I do.   I don’t want to cop out of it, but sometimes, I really can't help what I do.  Compulsory actions engraved in my head, I act like a fucking robot.  I know I do it.  But only after I do it.
Is there anything I can do to help it??
No.
Nothing.
And so that's why I'm a loner.  Nobody understands me, and even if they did, I'm just too damn obnoxious and compulsive and always onmyguard to let anybody in.

But I can't think about that.
I'm a freak.
Shejust pretty much called me suicidal.  I remember, it was only a couple of months ago, when my mom said, "we're back where we were two years ago.
That phrase has never left my mind.
I am back, and I'm worse.  How could anybody even stand to put up with me?
Maybe I should be dead.  If there is such a thing as destiny, I was destined to be dead already.  I should have been dead years ago.  In 2006.  in fucking november.
I feel so guilty.

I got fucking taken away because I'm just a crazy psycho freak.
Why did my mom have to send me away on that specific date??
Couldn't she have waited ONE WEEK?
Then I'd not be wasting her tuition money.
I guess I could write forever.  I don't really like this, writing about my "feelings" because I don't have feelings.  I've never.  No feelings, only pills.  Fucking pills.
I don't understand myself sometimes.
I think about it a lot.  What if mom found out, she would be devastated.
It's like cat vasharelyi's quote from Pat from the play:
I don't mind being dead,
I just don't want to upset my mother.
Just like that.
What's the point, I already have a scar on my neck, I may as well put it to use.  Finish myself off.  I'm not good for anything and I need to be evaluated by a health professional.
I think I'm going to stop taking my meds.  They keep me from killing myself.  But I'm not happy.  I'm stuck; not happy, but unable to end it.  So I could either take triple the amount, which wouldn't work because nothing else has worked, or I could end it right here, right now.
I thought about jumping in front of a car earlier, just earlier tonight.  I almost did, I stood in the middle of the road.  But as I looked into the headlights approaching quickly, and I knew the driver couldn't see me as I was leaving the HMAC, I saw my brothers, the little ones.  One face for each light.
I don't want to fuck up their lives.
`Joe wouldn't notice, probably, and after a couple of weeks mom and dad and robert and tina would be fine.  But jack.  He's special.  
I want to die.
Quiero morir
 
Why do I do it? I wish I could tell somebody everything.  But I feel like such a burden. You can!!! Not me or anyone else you know but just anyone… I wish I could; I can't even face it myself.  I have a terrible trouble trusting people??????????????????????
I wish I could tell somebody everything, but I just physically can't.  It won't come out of my mouth.  
I start to sweat and I get a fever usually.  It's so strange, I can actually give myself  a fever, I can make myself sick.  It's gotten so bad that I've vomited or had the shits.  I've gone up to 102.  I can make my eyes change color.  But it's not like I can make it, that's not the right word.  It just happens.  
Because I can't do anything right and I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED.
I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED
I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED
I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED
I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED
I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED
But I guess I  
 
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS
Why do I always have to hurt people
Great now somebody's mad at me because I don't want to wash my clothes with her.
  
Why am I fucking here oh my fucking god.
I am such a freak.
Since I was like seven.
And then everything started when I was, oh, I don't know, maybe eleven.
I didn't want to be blessed into a gang.
I didn't want to upset anybody
I didn't mean to ruin my family
But I did.